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Posted: Jul 2 2005, 01:42 PM
Member No.: 454
Joined: 2-July 05
ok, so yeah. i need some people to rate my poetry from 1to 5 i being the lowest and five the highest. then please tell me why i get that score.
okay, first one
But so beautiful
take me away
don't let me hurt anymore
shut my eyes
and keep them that way
let me see through your eyes
take me somewhere empty
maybe it will help
give me more hope
take away the pain
make the world beautiful again
so there. if i can get five posts other than mine, then i'll put down another. Critic Away!
Btw: this is rogue, i just reregistered and so now im under a new name.
Posted: Jul 2 2005, 02:21 PM
Member No.: 35
Joined: 13-January 05
Take heart, I critique hard.
I'd say a 2 or, maybe if bribed, a 3. The topic (honestly) isn't very original, and it looked like you tried to rhyme "pain" and "again" without any other rhyming scheme... it was also short, and unless the short poem is really well done, length will give you more small points so those taken off don't hurt as much.
Sorry but critics aren't supposed to be nice. Good effort though, you're on your way.
Posted: Jul 2 2005, 02:46 PM
Member No.: 10
Joined: 8-January 05
I'm even harder than Field sometimes.
1-As Field said, your poem isn't very original. Everyone and their butt-monkey writes about pain and numbing themselves and 'omgosh my SOUL ACHIES boo hoo'.
You get at least one point for not mentioning blood, or using the words 'soul', 'ice' 'scars', 'cage' or 'crimson tears'.
2-there's no real structure, flow, or rhythm. The lines seem thrown together at random-this can be cured with punctuation...sometimes.
3-There's little about this poem that is 'poetic'. Your command of language is poor and sadly, average. There are no word tricks, no double meanings, and no words that just plain SOUND good.
4-You're really, really vague. Now, poetry never has to be clear and informative, but it's nice to actually know a few things. Why is the speaker in pain? Who are they talking to, and why do they believe that person/thing can end their pain?
If the 'world' is painful BUT beautiful, why does it need to be made beautiful again? The speaker wishes to have their eyes shut, yet still want to see? They want to be somewhere blank, yet they actually want to be in the already 'beautiful' world?
6-My Pet Peeve
I hate overuse of words, and all you did was use 'take' and 'pain' etc over and over again. Buy a thesaurus, read it, use it. Please.
Sorry if this crushes you, but seriously...don't ask writers for their opinions if you can't take criticism.
Timothy Drake + Peter Parker = OTP!
Posted: Jul 4 2005, 03:08 PM
Member No.: 454
Joined: 2-July 05
thanks for your time, i know i need to work on it, and this helps me know what i need to work on.
no i wasn't trying to rhyme, i don't really rhyme well so i never try. i stick strrictly to freewrite poetry.
but anyways, thanx, i'll try harder next time.
any yes, the pain is real.