Welcome to Fight An Eclipse! This is a Breaking Dawn AU RPG site! We are an intermediate-advanced site, so we are looking for at least 300 words per post. We’ve been open since the beginning of December and we’re growing each day. We’re a lot of fun and always looking for new members. So join the family! And make sure to stop in the cbox and say hi!
OCT10. 708PM. I'M AN IDIOT. I realize this now. Here I thought I was being all noble and shit by choosing no one, by choosing to be alone so that maybe we would all be hurting equally instead of forcing me to pick one over the other. Now I realize what apparently everyone else already knew: I should be with Ari.
I loved Jake, don’t get me wrong. I still do. But I could never really see forever with him…that has always belonged to Ari, honestly since the day I met him. I should be with him, I should have chosen him. But my own weak heart and foolish pride made me fuck everything up. Not to mention I fell in love with someone else while we were apart…how could I possibly ask him to take me back after that? Some love I am.
And now Jacob hates me, and Ari probably does too, and I am left here cold and alone and too damn stubborn to take back the stupidest thing I have ever done. I'm an idiot. But I cant just take it back! I don’t want to sound vain but I'm afraid I probably hurt him badly when I told him I didn’t choose him. I can’t just go 'sorry, just kidding. Want to go get a pizza?'
I am never going to find anyone like him again, never going to find someone who completes me so perfectly. You don’t find your destiny twice in one lifetime. I’ve ruined everything and foolish pride is keeping me from even attempting to fix it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Any normal, half-sane person would drop everything and run to him right now and beg for him to forgive me and take me back. But I'm a stupid, cowardly idiot. Instead of in his arms I am sitting in Aunt Cecilia's spare bedroom in Neah Bay, crying my fucking eyes out. Stupid stupid stupid. So fucking stupid.
Maybe I should try and drown myself again. No one to interfere or interrupt up here. No one to care. God, I'm such a stupid fucking drama queen. I hate myself.
Why is it that I always manage to fuck up every good thing that happens to me?
I'm going to go drink myself into oblivion.
I don’t understand why I can’t just get over it and tell him. Go to him. Why can’t I just do that? I don’t know. I don’t know. I just can’t… FUCK YOU, LEAH
i am worthless., entry five
