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 Last Words
Posted: Apr 29 2007, 10:31 PM


Group: Admin
Posts: 336
Member No.: 1
Joined: 4-January 07

I guess it's pretty obvious from my activities lately (or lack thereof) what I'm about to do, but I figured I'd go ahead and go out with a roar rather than a whimper.

I, Petaru, hereby officially resign from the Katawa Shojou project and Four Leaf Studios.

I spent the last almost four months using most of what free time I have on this project. When we first started, I was really enjoying myself. I mean, we were actually beginning to create something. We had an audience, we had an idea, and we were going places with it, albeit rather slowly. So I tried my damnedest to keep the thing moving, to get things done.

But I made some fatal mistakes. The Core Team was probably the worst idea I've ever had in my entire life. Instead of getting things done, we got bogged down in
petty arguments and disagreements that wouldn't have been a problem if I had gone with a stricter method of organization from the start. But I made the mistake of assuming that we could get along as a group of equals. Guess that teaches me something about human nature.

Things like that kept stacking up. New members kept showing up with their own ideas of how things should be run. I had RL pressures to attend to, that kept me away from fully paying attention to how things were doing, and certain people didn't seem to like that.

Why did I spend all this time on this? Because I wanted to see what I started through to its finish. Because I loved the idea of this project, and, most importantly, because I love writing stuff like this. And for a long time, that was enough. Even though I hated every minute I had to spend debating technical and administrative shit with people who fought me tooth and nail for no reason I could tell, I kept going so I could keep writing. I'd like to show you all some of the notebooks I've been keeping full of bits of concept writing and scenario ideas.

Then, a week ago happened. Let me explain:

Deucetrick assumed control of the Core Team because Slowpoke, in some kind of misguided vendetta against me, tried to vote the Core Team out of existence and place DeuceTrick in some kind of dictatorial position as total head of the project in general. I spoke out against it, and the two of us (that is, Deuce and I) decided that, while we would not do anything that drastic, I would put my support behind Deuce being simply head of the Core Team during the Design Team organization. So, he handled all of that.

Then, without specifying that that was how he wanted to do it before hand, he handed out his nominations for the design team. His nominations, though, specifically did not include any Core Team members, which he said was intentional; even though we had discussed that that would not be an issue. I objected, and presented my case to him; we discussed the issue for several hours (well, it started as a discussion). During that, he stated to me that the reason he did not place me on the design team was because he thought I would be unable to get along with the other people he had nominated. Now, until now I never had any particular problem with any of the current members of the design team, so I said no, that I would be fine working with any of them. This ended up degenerating into an unwinnable argument in which he said that in order for me to be considered I would have to go to his other nominees and "ask permission" from them (i.e, beg them) to take the job. Finally, after about an hour of this, he said, and I basically quote "Fine, you can take the job."

Then, he made his ambiguous news post in which he told me to announce the writing director job. I did. Three times. Every time, Slowpoke erased it. Then, DeuceTrick posted his last slap in the face to me, and left. Good riddance, I say, but of course none of you agree with me on that, since afterwards, when I talked about it with everyone who now makes up the leadership of the design team, you all seemed to agree that I'm not worth much anyways. After all, I'm just "not qualified", right?

Now, did I deserve any of this? Were all of the mistakes I made really enough deserve hatred from so many people? I mean, suddenly finding out that so many people you've been working with, whom I respected and whom I thought respected me, actually hated my guts, came as kind of a shock to me.

It was after that that I suddenly realized something. It just wasn't enough anymore. The amount of enjoyment I got from being able to create this game itself wasn't enough to counteract the shit I had to deal with in the process anymore. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't even think about any of the characters, about the plot, about any of it, because I associated them too closely with a bunch of pretentious ass-clowns and their power struggles. And then, I realized, why in the hell would I want do spend my free time doing something I hate, when I could be using it to do something I actually enjoy?

So I'm leaving. That's really all there is to it. I'm not leaving because I feel intense moral outrage, because I'm so deeply hurt by what anyone did, or because I failed at some sort of attempt to control the project totally. I'm leaving because I'm just tired of dealing with it. Like I said, I don't want to spend my free time doing something I don't enjoy, and after finding out that half of the people I'd been working with disliked me that much, I just really don't see the point in staying on. Sure, I could keep writing stuff, but if I wouldn't enjoy it, why bother? The issue is not creative, but social. Let me put it more simply: I don't like you, and I don't feel like working with you anymore. I'm not asking for anyone's pity, or for any sort of apology for anyone; frankly, I don't expect to get either. This is just my parting explanation: that my desire to see through to the finish what I started has left me, simply because it's just not worth the crap for me anymore. All I ask anymore is that you don't go so far as to take my name out of the credits. Just give me the recognition I deserve: as a contributor, and as the founder of the Katawa Shoujo project. In return, I'll go away, since that seems to be what you all want, judging by the way you've been doing things lately without even bothering to inform me.

So, I wish all of you luck (yes, all of you, even the good fourth of you who don't deserve it.) I'd like to say I'll miss working on it, but at this point, I really won't. But it doesn't really bother me. I'm still young, probably younger than most of you all. I've learned from my mistakes, and I've still got my ideas. So look for me in a few years: I'll pop up again, with a different idea and a different outlook, and I'll make something incredible again. For now, I'll leave you with these parting words:

To Cpl_Crud: You told me to learn something from my mistakes. This is what this has taught me: That going into something with the idea that if you treat everyone with the respect you think they deserve, and assume that everyone will work together to accomplish a goal, even in an exclusive environment where everyone would benefit from such cooperation, other people who think that they know better than you will walk all over you and take what you've accomplished right out from under your nose. I'll try to remember this next time. Also, people tend to get attached to the things they start, and anyone who says that someone is "too attached" when that same someone is currently taking that thing away is spouting condescending bullshit. Just come out and say that you just want to take over. It's easier on everyone, because it's not like you're going to make anyone feel better by talking down to them.

To frumplstiltskin: Sheesh man, why the hate? What did I ever do to you?

To Slowpoke: I didn't nominate you to the Core Team for a reason, and taking you anyways on the nomination of everyone else was almost as big as a mistake as forming it to begin with. I disagreed with you several times, and from that point on you never really accomplished anything except getting in my way. I hope you're happy now. Actually, I hope everyone else realizes this and gets rid you your dead, argumentative weight.

To The Hivemind: Thanks for being the only person I talked to who didn't immediately have it in for me, at least. Write a kickass game for me, will ya?

To DeuceTrick, if he ever shows up again: I respected you. Even if we didn't always agree with each other, I respected you. You were always working for the good of the project, you tried to get along with everyone, and I thought that I could trust you. Guess I was wrong.

And to Everyone, especially everyone who showed me the respect I deserved, and who I apologize sincerely to for all the mistakes I made, any disrespect I ever showed you, and for making you go through all this:

I hope you make an amazing game. Hell, I might even play it.

-Petaru, Founder and former Project Leader and Core Team Member of Four Leaf Studios and the Katawa Shojou: Disability Girls Visual Novel Project.
Posted: Apr 30 2007, 03:23 AM

Advanced Member

Group: Director
Posts: 160
Member No.: 186
Joined: 8-March 07

In the interest of minimising the disruptino to the project, I have deleted my prior post.

Petaru, I urge you to consider editing your post.
Posted: Apr 30 2007, 03:49 AM


Group: Admin
Posts: 336
Member No.: 1
Joined: 4-January 07

Edited for clarity. Other than that, those are my parting words and I'm sticking to them. I'm sure the project will survive them.
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