|· Portal||Help Search Members Calendar|
|Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )||Resend Validation Email|
|Welcome to Zettai Shojou. We hope you enjoy your visit.|
You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.
Join our community!
If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:
Posted: Mar 30 2007, 03:16 PM
Member No.: 186
Joined: 8-March 07
I originally wrote this as my "second scene" for submission, however I'm not all that impressed with everything. I will admit that I formed the scene in my head on teh train coming home from work; which usually involves a bit of sleepytime.
Anyway, I'll let me do the talking:
Okay, in order to get a bit more interest in this whole submission thing, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and just randomly submit a scene that I’ve been thinking of. I’m going to write it in 1st person, making it easier to convert to scriptage.
Bonus Submission Scene
Late Rin path
Conditions: This scene would be “unlocked” if the player started following Hanako’s path, but then switched to Rin’s path (in fact, it could be anyone’s path, however this was written with Rin in mind, for reasons that will become obvious later).
As you can guess, this is a bad end.
This, also, is just kind of a flight of fancy. I’m not suggesting that anything like this should happen in the game (although it would be quite fun I think). As you may have guessed, I’m into Higurashi and School Days and the like, so this kinda plays into that.
Setting: The MC is starting to drift off whilst studying; this late in the game, he’d probably be thinking about the girl that he is “with,” remembering that this is an end to a path.
For ellipsis, I’m expecting a pause in the game text, so you might just have to play along there. I would also hope that the sound effects could be replaced with in-game sounds, as would Hanako’s laughter.
Also, later in the scene, we travel to a “dance studio”. Now, this basically is any room that has a few mirrors; it could be a gym for physical therapy, or a dance studio in town… whatever.
The sudden blaring of my phone shakes me from my reverie. Papers go flying as I furiously try to answer it before my neighbours are disturbed. As I key the “receive” button, I glance at the clock on the desk.
[MC] “Hi, Azaki speaking!”
It seems I can’t help but answer the phone like a clown, no matter what the time is.
[MC] “Hello? Is someone there?”
A low, sighing breath filters down the line, sending chills down my spine, freezing me to the spot.
The word is barely a whisper, but even down the phone it is crystal clear.
[MC] “Who the hell is this?”
Pulling away from the phone, I manage to catch a glimpse of the phone’s display.
Once again, the voice breathes down the line.
[voice] “Azaki… I need to speak to you…”
[MC] “Hanako? What’s gotten into you?”
I swear, if this is another one of her silly little games…
[voice] “…I just want to talk. Can you come here a minute?”
Something in her voice tells me that this isn’t a game. Something is gravely wrong, and, for whatever reason, she chose to call me. Not Lily, me.
[MC] “S-sure. Are you in your room?”
[voice] “… No. … I’m in the dance studio. … See you soon.”
The line goes dead.
What the hell was going on? Confusion fills my head as I pull on my jacket and shoes. Hundreds of possibilities fly through my mind as I set off in a slow jog towards the studio. Whatever it is, there is no doubt about it’s urgency; Hanako rarely called anyone. In the last three months I haven’t received so much as an SMS, let alone an email.
My breath erupts as white gusts of steam into the brisk autumn air as I round the corner of the studio. I’m surprised I even remembered where it was; it’s been months since I was here last. In the moonlight, the two-story building carries an air of foreboding. I can barely see the roof from here, but I can just make out the painted windows of the studio.
I lean against the door to catch my breath, however it swings inwards under my weight. It appears that the lock has been shattered, causing fresh waves of apprehension to wash over me; tightening my shoulders, knotting my lower back. Gulping back my fear, I push the door open enough to allow me to slip in, and head up the dark stairway. The dim light from outside diminishes with each step. By the time I reach the landing, I am enveloped in darkness. I fumble around for the door handle to the studio proper. Once again, the lock seems to have been broken. Just what in the hell was going on? If this is some surprise party, someone’s going to pay.
As the door swings open, pale blue light streams through; blinding after the pitch-black of the staircase.
I blink a couple of times; moonlight is streaking through an open window across the room, casting eerie blue shadows along the length of the room, almost deepening the darkness around the edges of the dance floor. I can’t make head nor tail of anything in the gloom. There could be a hundred people hidden in those shadows, or there could be no-one.
A breeze whips through the open window, it’s whistling the harbinger of a storm; maybe even snow. This thought distracts me for a moment, and I almost miss the near-silent footstep from my left.
[MC]” Who’s there?”
My shout echos around the empty room, eventually absorbed by the breeze.
A low, sighed giggle floats along the breeze; nearly silent; untraceable.
Tension and fear dissolve into anger. I grope at the darkness, and find the light switch next to the door.
[Hanako] “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” There is no mistaking that voice, the velvety-smooth tones of Hanako’s calmest oration.
I am far too annoyed to care. Who the hell calls someone to the middle of town in this weather, and then tells them not to turn on the light? I have a pile of work to do, and if I get caught out in the snow I’m going to get one hell of a cold.
Besides, the sudden lack of urgency in Hanako’s voice tells me that this can wait until the morning.
[MC] “I can’t see a thing. Mind your eyes.”
I toggle the switch, but nothing happens. Furious, I switch it up and down a few times in the vain hope that it will remember its function and turn on the lights.
[Hanako] “Aw, Too bad. I did warn you though.”
Outside, the wind is picking up, and Hanako’s words are almost lost amongst it. Each new gust chills the room further.
[MC] “Fine. What’s so important that you called me out here in the middle of the night?”
[Hanako] “Oh, there’s no need to rush things. We’ve got plenty of time.”
Plenty of time? For what? Has Hanako finally lost the plot?
[MC] “Whatever. Mind if I close the window? It’s freezing in here.”
[Hanako] “Knock yourself out”
Another giggle; but this time I can almost hear… something else. It sounds like another voice in an adjacent room. My face screws itself up in thought.
Is there another room up here?
Maybe I’m imagining things. The darkness is playing tricks on my mind; I still can’t even work out where Hanako is.
I let out a sigh, and follow the dim blue road of moonlight towards the window.
What the hell was that?
I look down; it seems as if I’ve stepped in some glass.
Glass? First the locks, then the lights, now glass on the floor?
My shoulders tensed, muscle turning to sinew and knotting upon itself. Every fiber of my being was telling me to turn around and run through the door. My heart, still unsettled from the jog here, skipped a beat, sending the familiar pains through my chest.
There it goes again; that muffled voice. Only this time, it’s louder. Squinting, I peer into the darkness again, trying to make out something, anything, that could give me a clue as to what was going on.
[Hanako] “What’s the matter… Can’t find the window?”
Hanako’s giggles were gaining confidence, and were starting to compete with the ever-increasing howl of the wind. Yet, her words are the catalyst that I’m looking for. I gather my reserves of courage, and strike out across the floor, each step a symphony of shattered glass. Hanako just keeps on giggling. As I reach the window, a fresh gust of freezing wind blasts through it, spraying my face with a few droplets of sleet. Shying away from the onslaught, I see that the window frame contains the jaggard edges of a broken pane of glass.
The unmistakable sound of someone screaming against a gag defeats the crescendo of the wind. Terror grips me, and I turn to face the room. With the light now to my back, I can make out shapes; a squirming, crumpled heap in the corner opposite the door, the fractured reflections of the room from the mirrored wall…
…the figure charging at me.
Moonlight flashes off glass, and my heart chokes. As I fall to my knees, the light from outside illuminates Hanako’s face; the streaks of blood tracing black lines across her features.
There is a slight pressure in my shoulder, followed by a sense of oozing. I take a glance, and see a shard of glass protruding from it. My body releases chemicals I never knew I had into my bloodstream. Combined with the surreal environment, I wonder if I might be dreaming. The incessant howling of the wind is now a dull roar far, far away, and Hanako’s manic cackling sounds like she’s trying to talk underwater.
Outside, a car drives past, its headlights quickly washing over the room like a searchlight.
The mirror wall is shattered.
Light fittings hang from the roof, attached only by a length of power cable; their globes lost to the sea of glass on the tarquet.
Hanako stands over me, her white blouse criss-crossed with thin crimson tracks, her body convulsing in the wracks of her murderous laugh.
And, in the corner, desperately trying to stand, was Rin.
Her legs and mouth were bound with black gaffer’s tape, her shirt and pants torn to shreds, exposing shallow gashes all over her tender skin.
In an instant, the light was gone, and the room plunged back into darkness, however the sight of Rin in danger was enough to shake me out of my state of shock.
Heart pounding loudly in my ears, I try to stand, only to be knocked down again by Hanako. I fall on my side, grinding shards of glass through my jacket. I try to cry out, but my voice fails me.
[Hanako] “I’m surprised at how easy it was to catch the two of you. Well, not her. I mean, look at her, Pathetic!”
Rin started snaking herself towards me, dragging herself through the glass.
[MC] “Rin! Don’t! Get away!”
I’m losing coherence. Hanako follows my pleading stare, and sees Rin.
[Hanako] “Stay here.”
She grabs another shard of glass through my thigh; but this time, I feel it. Pain arcs like electricity from head to toe, and my legs are instantly warmed by the blood coursing from the wound. My heart pounds anew; sending further arcs of pain running down my arms- the onset of a heart attack.
My mouth is open in a silent scream; the minor attack has winded me.
Hanako, pleased with her work, walked gracefully towards Rin.
[Hanako] “Hello Rin-chan! I just had a good idea. I’m going to make you just like me. Then we’ll see who Azaki likes more, ok!?”
Tears stream down Rin’s face, as she desperately tries to worm away from Hanako, but to no avail. Within seconds, Hanako straddles her, grabs a handful of her tattered hair, and reefs her head up.
[Hanako] “Are you watching, Azaki? Now we’ll see who’s your favorite!”
Rin whimpers, unable to speak. I try to stand up, but my leg fails underneath me. The blood loss is making me light headed, and I can feel my heart beating ever faster... ever faster…
I summon the last reserves of my strength, and try to scream.
Too little, too late. The madness that has gripped Hanako is unrelenting. She pulls a third shard of glass from behind her back, and carves a line down Rin’s face.
The room fills with Rin’s pained sobs, which are quickly drowned out by the blood pooling in her open mouth. Hanako starts another cut, this time moving across Rin’s chest, and Rin faints. Hanako sighs, replaces the shard behind her back, and slaps Rin across the face, singing.
[Hanako] “Wake up~ Wake up~ You don’t want to miss the main event~”
I can take no more. Falling to my chest, I try to drag myself towards Hanako, still beating Rin around the head. The glass in my shoulder tears slightly more with each movement, but the pain is dulled. My lame leg drags behind the other; although I can barely feel either at this point. Each breath burns my lungs, and the ever-present thumping of my heart grows weaker in my chest.
[SFX] Slowing heartbeat, continues to slow until the end.
It felt like I had been crawling for the entirety of my life, yet I had barely moved a meter through the glass.
[SFX] Glass breaking
Oh… the glass in my leg must have broken. I think that Hanako has noticed me. The dim room grows ever dimmer, and she is barely discernable from the background.
But… she is getting closer… so much closer…
[Hanako] “I thought I told you to stay put.”
Hanako sighs. The sound of Rin’s body being dropped to the ground sounds distant, as if in another world…
[Hanako] “Oh well, too bad for you. You get to miss the main event.”
Hanako is now over me, a giant shadow blocking all light. I wonder if this is how the moon feels during an eclipse…
[Hanako] “See! Now I’m the pretty one! Now we can be together…”
I feel something lifting me… something warm against my clammy skin.
Something is spilling over me. Something thick, something warm. It feels so good… so relaxing…
I think I might…
Final Graphic (Damnit I need to be able to draw):
Moonlight shines through the broken window, framing Hanako on her knees, cradling the MC. In the background, Rin is laying prone, bound. The MC’s face is buried in Hanako’s chest.
The last shard of glass protrudes from Hanako’s neck, her hand limply around it. Her dead eyes are looking down at the MC, who is covered in blood, both Hanako’s and the MCs.
I’m thinking something oil-based, mostly in blues and blacks, apart from the pure white of Hanako’s blouse. The blood should be either really dark red or pitch black.
Posted: Mar 31 2007, 07:44 AM
Member No.: 37
Joined: 5-January 07
....Holy crap......That was...
Wicked. I loved it
Posted: Mar 31 2007, 11:17 AM
Member No.: 81
Joined: 6-January 07
Oh Hanako, you crazy thang!
Posted: Mar 31 2007, 03:22 PM
Member No.: 186
Joined: 8-March 07
heh, maybe I should move it to the submissions thread...
I only really got a chance to read it today, there's very little that I'd edit; maybe add some more to Hanako smacking up Rin, maybe remind people of the sleet later in the peice, and try and get a bit more determination into the MC whilst keeping him useless (les't face it, he's slashed up, bleeding to death and having a heart attack. Even Main characters have their limits).
Could also expand on Hanako taunting Rin for being "easy to catch", however if this is to be a "generic" Bad End, I kinda needed Rin to be replacable.
I was also thinking of abusing Rin a bit more; for no reason other than it would seem appropriate.
Finally, the "art" at the end is a vital part of the storytelling (Lucky this is for a VN), but I would hope that the image that people have in their heads at that time woudl b esimilar anyway.