Fruity Story, a pokemon fanfiction gone horibly wrong

[Abe Lincoln]

since nothing else is here i thot wat the hell. i took kaisers advice and went to serebii forums and found this. b4 u read b on the look out 4 engrish halarity bad grammer and overal noobishness

Hells summer
Chapter 1 behavior

It was the beggnning of summer as Ash Ketchum walked out of The Battle
Pyramid with his friends Brock, a Pokemon Breeder and good friend to Ash during the begginng of his journey, May Maple a Pokemon Cordinater(hope i spelled it right), and her little brother Max."Wow the summer really has begun this is so great now I can sit back relax and have a good time!" May said loud.Brock grinned as he saw the young trio say what they were going to do this summer.Then Brock spied his sqinty eyes atb a piece of parchment."FUN PLAY AND GREATNESS AT THE POKeRESORT."It showed a girl and a boy with an relaxing Munchlax.Brock started to say lhey to the, but they interrupted him with loud talking... as in Shut the hell up.Brock just cried the cry of lonlieness. Then May got a glimse of the parchment."Is that one of those awesome resorts with all customs if we went their..."May stood with glowy anime eyes."...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH That would be so full of cordinaters to battle Swwweeeetness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was a quick silence as every person in the nearby town looked at her in shock.Then Ash broke out"What hell the lookin at dammit, Just go and get the **** out of here!" Everyone walked away from the scary Ash."Uh thanks Ash..." May blushed red."No problem these people need to to mind they business."Ash said annoyed as they wind to get their tickets from the airport."Well at least there is a protecter out there for me...at least its Ash" May said in her mumbled softly.

credit goes 2 prodo32 4 the story

[Kaiser]

ookkkaaayyyyyy then, before you post someones story you should get their permission even if you give credit.

[Dr. Nick]

yeah but the story broke so many rules i don't think the person would care, the thread was closed

[Abe Lincoln]

ok i won't do it again but since it's here rate it

[Kaiser]

It's gay. 1/10. It's just dumb and is very porly writen.

[Abe Lincoln]

my favorite part is wat hell the lookin at damit and wen she yells ahhhhhh in the middle of the street. god, if some1 just yelled ahhhhhhhhh! i would stare 2

[Dr. Nick]

i would not stare i would laugh

[hank hill]

hahahahaha dl that is so retarded yet hilarious. im gonna haf 2 rite somethin. be prepared 4 wen i decide 2. and by the way kizey, y should we ask 2 take there story? they'd just say no.

[Abe Lincoln]

glad u liked it that person can't speak english lol. by the way that was copy and pasted word 4 word. oh and wat was ur favorite part?

[hank hill]

the sex part(joke)
it was wen the person said "wat hell the lookin at dammit"

[Abe Lincoln]

that's the best

[Abe Lincoln]

I think this guys review is pretty accurate................

Holy s*** on s*** sandwhich... Please, use your spacebar inbetween sentences. It's right under the Z, X, C, V, B, N, and M keys. Also needs to be longer. If it can at least take up the screen, it's okay. After being dumbfounded by your inability to seperate sentences, I attempted to read it.

1. WTF is with Ash getting angry? He just randomly got P*ssed off.
2. May praises Ash for... getting p*ssed at nothing o_0? WTF?
Really, they're looking at a sign, and Ash go's off the hook telling them to get the f*ck out of there, and then May thanks him.

Plot
I fail to see the foreshadowing of any event to happen in the future. Nothing much else to say. However, I'll give you that this was the (craptastic) first chapter. Raiting: 5/10


Character Devolopment
See my above rant on Ash and May's action. Brock didn't even say anything. 0.1/10. At least there was dialoge

Setting
Airport. Summer. You didn't give three words to describe anything. Failed completely. 0/10

Length & Description
You completely missed this one. Heck my review is as long than the chapter!
0/10

Grammer & Spellling
Good God... my eyes, they burn X_X
0.5/10

Overall Rating
1.12 out of 10. It would take a miracle to pull this out of the pit. At least use spaces inbetween sentences, or give five words to describe the setting, clothes, faces, ect. Try harder. Re-read your fic for mistakes, and Preview it to make sure of it's length. (3 pages on word will do the trick). At leat it has a (deformed) spine for the plot. Advice for Aspiring Authors will do the trick, too.



End Critique

[Kaiser]

kirbgy <--- I almost wrote "Kirby" with my elbows!

On topic. Could ya give a link to original story? I want to read other reveiws.

[Abe Lincoln]

here ya go kaisey http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=185525

[Kaiser]

Weired just weired.

[Abe Lincoln]

ya i no

[Abe Lincoln]

heres the link to pokemon the climax kaiser

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/308344

b sure 2 check out the game

[Kaiser]

Okay. I'll be shure to watch it.

[Abe Lincoln]

ya its realy funny

[Kaiser]

Yay! you did it! You saved the Universe! Have a muffin!