Title: -No- One *Mourns* the /Wicked\
Description: Tag: Jason
Millie - April 10, 2009 02:10 AM (GMT)
"In one moment your entire life can change course.
The moment you decide where you are going
because you refuse to go back to where you have been."
- Individual Power by Barbara Rose
For one young Slytherin, that moment had been the day Gryffindor Sean Alcott had insisted upon catching her attention. It had all started simple enough: a bothersome boy irritating her a lunch, an agreement to meet later for no other reason that to get him to leave her alone. More than once she’d told herself not to go, to blow it off and remain free of the Gryffindor, but part of her pride rested in never failing to keep her word. And so she went… and realized he wasn’t that bad.
Four months had passed since that day. Four months the two had spent secretly getting to know eachother and, eventually, secretly dating. Even knowing how much Sean Alcott hated having to pretend they didn’t know eachother, she had insisted upon keeping their relationship a secret, though she had never given him a direct answer as to why. He knew it was safer this way, not just for her but for both of them, but he didn’t know it was safer because she was a Death Eater. She had been branded with the mark of the Dark Lord. If word got out that she, a member of Voldemort’s inner circle, had become a blood traitor, it meant certain death for both of them, and her death would not be an easy one.
She knew she had to tell him eventually, and even though tonight would be a night for confessions, that was one truth better left for another time. Tonight, she planned, would be a night for finally owning up to her emotions, for finally admitting to herself and to him how she felt.
It felt like hours after dinner before the last Slytherin left the common room for bed. As footsteps faded into nothing, the girl that had appeared to have fallen asleep curled up in one of the big arm chairs in front of the fireplace stirred. Standing and draping the blanket she’d been curled up under over the back of the chair, Millie Azure quietly made her way into the corridor. Never bothering to illuminate the tip of her wand and, thus, intentionally slowing her pace in an attempt to prevent her from being caught out after hours, the wall to the Room of Requirement took longer than usual.
Finally reaching the blank span of wall, she passed in front of it three times before the door appeared and she slipped inside. The soft click of the door as it closed sounded like thunder in her ears. She froze, waiting a moment before crossing the room to the black leather couch in front of the fireplace and taking a seat. There was nothing she could do now but wait… wait and repeat to herself what she planned to say…
Jason - April 11, 2009 06:41 PM (GMT)
The walk to the Room of Requirement seemed to fly by. Sean found himself in front of the blank wall, where the door was too appear, much too soon for his liking. The young Gryffindor had wanted time to think things through. The walk hadn’t seemed like enough time to fully mull things over, but, then again, no amount of time seemed to be enough. He’d spent whole nights planning things out, weighing things against each other. Each time Sean came to the same answer he always did; the answer that he didn’t want to reach. His relationship with Millie was literally going nowhere, and as much as he liked to live in the now, he couldn’t keep the charade up the way she wanted to. The situation required lying in bushels. Lying to family, lying to friends, lying to girls who were interested in him; they were basically lying every single person at Hogwarts. Never a fan of lying, Sean had been affected by it more so than Millie. It had been festering in him for the four months that had spent together, discomfort growing despite his best efforts to push the feeling away. It always brought him back to the same conclusion. He had to break things off with Millie.
Walking in front of the wall had summoned the door to its rightful spot, but Sean froze with his hand on the knob. It wasn’t exactly the brightest thing in the world to do when you were standing undisguised in the middle of a corridor after hours, but Sean still found himself staring dumbly at the door that would lead to Millie and back to his struggle. He’d tried to start the break up conversation a few times now, but she had lured him into his old habits every time and he had forgotten all about his woes. It was easy to forget them when it was just himself and Millie in that room, but the wounds were opened freshly every time he had to ignore her, whether it was during class, in the hallway, or even during a Quidditch match. Thank Merlin no one had noticed that Sean had missed every shot he’d taken at Millie during a scrimmage...and not by a little either. Who could hit their own girlfriend with something they knew did so much damage? It wasn’t properly playing the game, but that was Sean. He’d been raised to be nice to women. It was his mother’s doing. It was probably her fault that he couldn’t break up with Millie now!
But it wasn’t his mother’s fault and he knew it. As he slowly opened the door he remembered exactly why he was having such a hard time leaving Millie. Even catching sight of the back of her head was enough to make him remember how much he cared about her. This was it though. He had to repeat to himself that this was going nowhere. What were they supposed to do when they graduated? They couldn’t just hide in secret rooms and broom closets all their lives. And what about when Millie’s parents tried to marry her off? It wouldn’t work for them. It couldn’t work. Anyone could see that. All he was doing was making things harder to break off by waiting so long. He had to just do it. Raking his fingers back through his hair nervously, he approached the couch and sat down wordless, staring off into the fire for a moment. It was for the best. It really was. He sank back into the leather before smiling at Millie. “Hey...” he said quietly, “I can’t stay out too late tonight. I have to wake up and practice transfiguration early tomorrow so McGonagall won’t kill me.” It was a downright dirty lie, but if he had to lie once or twice to stop the constant lies then it was worth it...right?
Millie - April 12, 2009 05:46 AM (GMT)
Millie’s eyes darted to the door as she heard it open, a smile spreading across her face, completely clueless to what he planned to do. She waited until he sat down, rearranging herself on the couch so that she was curled up beside him. “Hey, Sean,” she replied, her voice equally as quiet as his, though hers held a note of deepest affection and her eyes sparkled as his name rolled off her tongue. “Aw, forget McGonagall…” she murmured, clearly saddened at the idea. She kissed him softly and rested her head on his shoulder before continuing, “You’re plenty good at Transfiguration already anyway.” There was something off about what he’d said, but she decided not to think much of it.
Her eyes slid shut as she allowed herself to bask in his company for a few moments. Never did she feel so safe, so happy, so at peace as she did when she was with him. Malfoy had never treated her even half as well as Sean had from the day he first decided to introduce himself to her. Opening her eyes, she lifted her head a just enough for her to see his face. “How was your day?” Small talk. It was the base of almost every conversation and the customary way to greet someone. Start out small and work your way to the actual topic at hand. Ease into it, some might say.
She paused as he answered before speaking again. “I’m sorry Malfoy’s such a prat…” Her comment referred the incident in potions that morning when Malfoy and Sean had met in front of the spare ingredients cabinet. Part of her wondered if it was a good idea to bring it up seeing as she had been unable to stand up for Sean without causing suspicion. It was for that reason, however, that she had apologized. She had wanted terribly to step in and tell Malfoy to fuck off. Malfoy wasn’t stupid enough to mess with her; he knew she had a damn good reason to jinx his ass all the way to China. But it didn’t matter. Regardless of how much she wanted to help, she didn’t, she couldn’t. A soft sigh passed her lips as she looked down. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything… I wanted to…” Already, she realized, this was going to be a topic she would regret bringing up.
Jason - April 13, 2009 12:47 AM (GMT)
“I can’t just forget about it,” Sean muttered, accepting her kiss a bit more stiffly than he might normally have, “She said I needed to make some improvements before the NEWT’s.” He needed a way out once everything was out in the open. To be honest he didn’t plan on sticking around once things were done between them. If he did he would waffle and go back and forth about his decision. He had to be swift and decisive, and then leave right away. School was good for one thing; providing an excuse to leave awkward social situations. It wasn’t the nicest plan Sean had ever conceived, but he couldn’t keep this up anymore. Perhaps he just wasn’t as adept at keeping secrets like Millie was. It must have been a Slytheirn characteristic. Sean was honest to the point of fault; so honest that he often lacked tact and came off as much too blunt. Smoothing his meaning over was something that took a great deal of awareness on his part. It wasn’t second nature.
Sean allowed silence to take over as Millie head rested lightly on his shoulder. His focus, however, was more on the uneasy feeling in his stomach. It was tying itself in knots, turning over and over. There were some angry butterflies fluttering around in there. Whatever you wanted to call it, his stomach was uneasy, and he was even feeling slightly ill. He didn’t even know how to begin bringing the subject up. It wasn’t as if things between them were bad. They were great! For some reason Sean really appreciated what they had. He’d been in good relationships before, but this one just...better somehow. They just clicked. Sean couldn’t put his finger on what it was exactly, but there was something different about what he had with Millie. Still, if they couldn’t be seen in public they were never going to get anywhere. Even if he was enjoying himself he had to look to the future, which didn’t seem to include a girl who wouldn’t be seen in public with him.
“It was fine, Mil,” he answered flatly, though he didn’t offer any elaboration. He could sense that she had something on her mind, something she wanted to bring up. How right he was. As soon as he had fallen silent she was off, bringing up a topic that he found distasteful to say the least. Malfoy. Even the name made him cringe. It didn’t help that Millie continuously brought him up. She always seemed to be talking about her ex. It was never anything good, but Sean still found it strange that she thought about that prat so often. It was probably just his imagination, but it was hard for him to forget. To add another point to her side, Sean had to admit that he had had an...altercation with him that afternoon. So maybe Sean had mentioned in passing that the putrid stench of whatever herb Malfoy was holding was miniscule in comparison to the smell of Malfoy’s breath, but that was no reason for the sore sport to pull his wand out. Sean was lucky that Snape had stepped in before he’d had a chance to draw his own wand. Had he done so, he was sure he would be in detention right now. Instead he was let off with a warning.
“Malfoy I can handle,” he muttered, “What I can’t handle is that group of fourth and fifth year girls.” A small group of fourth and fifth year Gryffindor girls had taken to being something of his fan club. Sean couldn’t tell them to sod off. They were part of his house. Millie was the one who was supposed to step in and scare them off for him. He was tired of having to explain himself out of situations where he could possible score a date, a date that would scare off young girls for him, and he was tired of explaining his drought of girls to his friends. “You always want to do something or be there, but the answer is always the same. You can’t.” It was obvious that this was one of Sean’s sore spots right now. All of the built up frustration was bubbling under the surface, just waiting to unleashed. “I don’t think I can keep this up, Mil” he continued, standing up and distancing himself from her, “It’s been too long. When does it end?”
Millie - April 13, 2009 06:17 AM (GMT)
From the moment her lips touched his, she knew something was wrong. He was distant, colder than he usually would have been toward her. A note of worry sparked in her stomach as hers, too, knotted up. Was tonight really the night to start talking about her feelings? Even his comment about his day had been overly blunt. Usually he offered some sort of elaboration and returned the question. Tonight he was silent.
Her thoughts lingered on the afternoon, replaying the scene in the dungeon as it had played out: her nearly unsuccessful attempt to hide the laugh at Sean’s comment, her urge to jinx Malfoy into the hospital wing as he’d drawn his wand, her disappointment when Slughorn had stepped in… Sean was right, he could handle Malfoy, but she hadn’t been expecting his next comment. “Ah, yes… your little… fan club,” Millie muttered. “How I’d love to show those girls who they’re dealing with…” It wouldn’t take much. The simple flick of her wand, and they’d be in the hospital wing in tears. She did her best to hide the smirk that wanted to edge its way onto her features at the thought. Hiding it was easy as his next words reached her ears, “You always want to do something or be there, but the answer is always the same. You can’t.” The smirk faded quickly, her eyebrows furrowing at the comment. “I don’t think I can keep this up, Mil.” Shock. Fear. Her eyes widened as she was forced to sit up when he stood. “It’s been too long. When does it end?”
For once, she was left speechless as she processed what he’d just said. “I… I don’t know…” Her gaze fell to her lap. “I wish I did…” Lifting her eyes to meet his, she stood. “I don’t like hiding any more than you do, Sean, but it’s something we have to do. Not just for your safety, but for my own. Surely you’ve heard the rumors about my family, about my father, my cousin. They’re not rumors. They’re true. If we went about flaunting our relationship for the entire world to see, it would only be a matter of time before they force me to watch you die and then deal me the same fate.” As she spoke, the scene played before her eyes. They were in the graveyard. Sean was dueling with a masked, hooded figure- her father -whilst she struggled against the arms restraining her, the arms of Malfoy and his father. The others were in the circle, chuckling as they watched. Finally, the Dark Lord rose, a loud ‘ENOUGH!’ echoing off the headstones. ‘This has gone on long enough. We have more important business to attend to than dealing with filthy blood traitors and their half-breed dogs.’ A flash of bright green light illuminated the darkness; she could feel the scream as it tore from her throat. ‘Now, deal with your bastard, Azure.’ Her own father turned his wand against her…
Shaking the image from her mind and returning to reality, she watched Sean with pleading eyes. “It ends when we’re safe. It ends when we can run away. When we can hide and wait for this damned war to end. Your friends would understand why you’ve been making excuses, even if they’ll probably think it was because you were ashamed instead of keeping us safe. And me? I will learn who my friends really are.” She hesitated before stepping toward him, taking his hand in her own. The glow that had originally radiated from her when he’d come in had vanished, replaced by one that was clearly worried about the future. “Sean, please… just a little while longer… If we were to tell everyone tomorrow, we would no longer be safe here. I don’t want to put you in any more danger than I already have.” Pausing, she allowed a small smile to light up her features. “You’ve read Romeo and Juliet, haven’t you? They knew they had to keep their relationship a secret. If Romeo had received the priest’s letter, they would have lived to be old and happy. Even though they had to remain a secret, they still loved eachother, and still tried to make it work. They’d planned on running away together, running away to a place where they didn’t have to remain a secret. And as I said, it would have worked if Romeo had been in on the plan.” She paused, an idea forming in her mind- she was yet unaware that it was too late for new ideas. “She loved him so much, she faked her own death to be with him…” The words were soft spoken, contemplative. Perhaps…
She lifted her gaze to meet his once more. “Sean, I want to make us work, but I don’t want to risk our lives… I….” Another hesitation. “I’m afraid that if we let everyone know, I’ll either wake up the next day to find you gone or I won’t wake up at all. I don’t want to put you through that, and I… I don’t know that I can lose you… The time we’ve spent together… You have treated me like an actual person, taught me how a lady should be treated… I can be myself around you. I don’t have to keep up the Slytherin act I have to keep up around the rest of them. Just because I’m a Slytherin, the rest of the world expects me to act a certain way. You don’t. You never did. You always knew… always knew there was something more to me than what the rest of the world saw. You are… forgive me for being cliché… you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the most important person in my life. Sean, I…” She paused once more, almost ending there before continuing. If he had any doubts about their relationship, she figured he at least deserved to know how much he had effected her in the time they’d been together before he made his decision. “I love you, Sean, and I want you to be safe. I know you’re uncomfortable in keeping this a secret, but if that’s what it takes for both of us to be safe…?” Her voice trailed off into silence. For now, she’d said enough. The question was would it be enough?
Jason - April 16, 2009 05:12 AM (GMT)
Sean felt like an ass. An absolute ass. Part of him just wanted to drop the subject and fall into their usual, argument free behavior. Well that was a lie. They always found something to debate, but there was a large difference between honest to god arguing and debating about whether or not Gryffindor had a better team than Slytherin, which they did, though Millie strongly disagreed with his opinions. She often seemed to forget the skill of Gryffindor’s beaters, keeper, and seeker. He admitted that Slytherin had the edge over them in chasers, mostly because Millie was one, but Gryffindor’s defense was tight, and it was the seeker that really counted. Slytherin had a chance, but Sean still believed that Gryffindor had the edge….but that was another thought for another night. What a horribly weak attempt at distracting himself from the situation. Who could blame him though? No one, least of all Sean liked to be the bad guy.
At the very least he hoped that they could end on friendly terms. Maybe that was too much to hope for. Perhaps she could forgive him someday though and think about the short time they spent together fondly. It wasn’t as if they would ever really see each other again after this. There would be no more secret meetings after this. She would just ignore him like she did everyday. They would graduate, she would go off and do whatever it was that pureblooded women did, and he would do..whatever it was he was going to do. He wasn’t exactly sure yet, but it right now it seemed like whatever they did, they would be separated from each other. He should just walk out right now; sever the ties quickly and just end it. It would be the easiest way. They were just dragging it out now. God was he tired. As she began to explain why they couldn’t be together in public, for what seemed like the hundredth time, Sean stepped back, resting his elbow on the wooden mantle of the fireplace. He rested his forehead in his hand, rubbing his temples with his thumb and the first two fingers of his hand. Quidditch had taken its toll. The practices themselves were grueling just by themselves, but Sean always hung back after and practiced himself. If he wanted to play for England’s Quidditch team he needed to have an edge. The soreness in his arms and general aches in his bones didn’t help his mood any though.
“Millie,” he began, taking his head out of his hand, “I don’t think it will end in our lifetime; not until it’s much too late for us.” He looked down at her hand as she took his, finding it a convenient reason to avert his eyes from hers. The worry in them was fraying his already thin resolve. “This isn’t a fairytale, Mil,” he broke in directly after she stopped speaking, “We’re not the main characters in some play. Things don’t just work out for people the way they do in plays and books, and movies. All waiting will do is make it harder for us to leave each other. We‘re just fooling ourselves into believing that things will change.” Every word he spoke felt like he was pulling his own teeth. This wasn’t Sean’s style. He wasn’t any sort of heartbreaker, but history had shown that there would always some crazed zealasot preaching ideas that would separate purebloods and mudbloods, as they would say. He’d spent quite a lot of time thinking about it and he had decided that along with his career, whatever that may be, he would also enlist in the order. If he could help end the war in any small way he would feel slightly better about himself. Maybe his actions would someday allow a couple like Millie and himself to be together. Someday people wouldn’t have to use the Room of Requirement as a hide away, but he couldn’t just expect everyone else to do it. If the previous generation couldn’t it was time for their own to make the sacrifice. Someone had to do it.
A groan almost ripped itself from his throat as she spoke. Why did she have to say this now? The last thing Sean wanted to hear at this moment was that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Why did she have to lay this on him right when he was trying to end things? He was about to open his mouth to speak, though he didn’t have the slightest idea what he was going to say, when she dropped the big one. She loved him? He stared at her almost blankly for a moment; almost not believing what she had said. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that she loved him; it had just come at him out of the blue, and with such terrible timing for him. Sean had spent the better part of the day shoving every possible feeling for Millie into the back of his mind. He couldn’t dump a girl he loved…or was it that he couldn’t love a girl he was going to dump? He wasn’t sure anymore. Everything had gotten so tangled and convoluted during his long period of introspection. What could he say to her? He needed something, anything to keep her heart from breaking. “Mil,” he said quietly, looking down, “I can’t. It’s not that I don’t care. I’m just…not some Romeo kind of character. I’m sorry, Mil.” What an ass. Absolute ass!
Millie - April 16, 2009 06:11 AM (GMT)
That familiar feeling of desperation once more filled her chest as her stomach twisted itself into knots. Listening to his words, she could already see what was coming. Everything they had worked to build in the past four months was crashing down around them in ruins, ruins that threatened to crush her as they fell. “Millie,” The name itself caught her off guard. It had been a while since he’d called her by the nickname she’d chosen. For the past four months, she had been Emily to him. He had said it was much softer and fit her better. She had consented, unwillingly at first, and had grown to enjoy the sound of the name as it rolled off his tongue. No more, it seemed, would she hear the sound. “I don’t think it will end in our lifetime; not until it’s much too late for us.” Her eyes, too, fell to their hands. She didn’t want to look into his eyes and see what she thought would be determination, possibly annoyance at her continued pleas. “This isn’t a fairytale, Mil. We’re not the main characters in some play. Things don’t just work out for people the way they do in plays and books, and movies.” She had thought her Romeo and Juliet reference would show she understood that. Nothing had worked out for them in the end. They had met death so much earlier than they should have. “All waiting will do is make it harder for us to leave each other.” At those last three words, a shiver of dread ran down her frame. A lump rose in her throat and she bit her tongue to fight the salty sting in her eyes.
“We’re just fooling ourselves into believing that things will change.” For one brief moment, anger coursed through her, overriding the pain and sorrow that had already taken root. Just fooling themselves? Is that all the past four months had been for him? Just fooling around? Is that why he was cutting it off now? He’s just been messing around, wanted to seduce the queen Slytherin bee, and since he couldn’t go around bragging about it, he’d decided it was just a waste of time? How easy it would be to allow herself to believe that, to sink right back into her old ways. But that wasn’t who she was now, and she knew that hadn’t been his reasoning. He had been to kind, too gentle, too caring toward her to just be in it for the title.
Before she had completely processed his reaction to her emotional confession, he was speaking again. “Mil,” Her eyes darted to his face, searching for any sign that he had changed his mind. “I can’t.” The heart he had so carefully mended after Malfoy had broken it shattered once more at those words. The rest of what he said might as well have been lost to the wind as those two words echoed over and over in her thoughts. The tears she had been fighting to restrain spilled over, trickling down her cheeks. She vaguely felt his hand slip from her own as she rested her hand against the wall to steady herself. When she spoke, her voice was a mere whisper for she was afraid if she tried to speak any louder, what little restraint she still had over her emotions would break. “Sean… please…” She didn’t dare lift her eyes to meet his gaze. “…it doesn’t have to be like this… we can make it through this… please…” The lump in her throat forced her to stop, even though she wanted to say so much more, to plead with him to stay, to convince him he didn’t have to do this and they could work out. A few months ago, she would’ve fought to keep him by her side. Much had changed in those few months, and the mighty lion had been tamed into a gentle house pet. It was no longer in her nature to fight with him. If this is what he wanted, she would peacefully step aside knowing that by doing so, he had a chance to be happy, even if that happiness came without her.
Jason - April 26, 2009 12:13 AM (GMT)
What had happened to the fight in Millie? Sean had expected this discussion to be much louder and much more difficult, but she was practically accepting it. Well no; that was a lie. It was obvious that she didn’t want it to happen, but she sure as hell wasn’t fighting the way Sean had predicted she would. He had come to realize that she was changing, but he hadn’t thought he had made such an impact on her. It made him feel all the more guilty. He just couldn’t do this though, and if he wasn’t strong enough to withstand what she wanted him to, then he didn’t deserve her. She would find someone who could handle everything and treat her right. He was sure of it. Perhaps she would even find someone that her parents approved of. There was no rule that said Slytherins couldn’t be decent, caring individuals. It was rare, but it wasn’t nearly as impossible as some people made it out to be. Sure his house, and the Hufflepuffs, and many of the Ravenclaws made jokes about how terrible all of the Slytherins were, but there had to be a few good people in the house. Millie was proof of that, wasn’t she? And where there was one there had to be others.
“Sorry,” he said quietly, abandoning his place by the mantle and heading for the door, refusing to look at her all the while, “I have to go...work on transfiguration.” The guilt was heavy, but he kept reminding himself of how he felt every time he had to ignore her in the halls, or pretend like they had never met when they were hovering right next to each other on the Quidditch pitch. He couldn’t keep that up and he knew it. Unless she made some drastic promise to go public about him in the next few seconds, which she wouldn’t, then things had to end here and now. At least nothing would change for them in public. They would just continue acting as if they didn’t know each other, and she could go on being the Slytherin queen bee. That was what she wanted after all. Sure she said the secrets were for the sake of safety, but there had to be another motive behind her desire to keep him hidden like he was some skeleton in her closet. Sean wanted to believe that. It would make things so much easier on him. Maybe if he could convince himself that she was just a Slytherin that wanted a few secrets to spice her life, the ball of ice that had settled in his stomach would lessen in size and weight.
A pained look crossed his face as he turned to go. Still he refused to look at her. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. If he saw the look of pain that he was so sure was in her eyes he was sure he would lose all of the willpower that he had spent days gathering. Though his footsteps remained steady and methodical as he headed for the exit, he couldn’t help but stop and cast one last glance at Millie. All he could hope was that she would see how hard this was for him in his eyes. “Goodbye, Mil,” he said quietly, trying to take one last look at her without catching her gaze. He wanted to remember her without the anger or sadness that was in her eyes. And with that, he turned around, opened the door, and took the most difficult steps of his life, closing the door behind him.