What do you tell a child born of violence?

One of my closest friends was in this situation at age 13. I wondered what I would do, in her spot. She told him around age 6 and he never believed her, and neither did the court. They awarded the "father" custody, after the son demanded to meet his biological father. My friend was raised in a cult brought in by her mother when she was around 7 and the father was the cult leader. Now her son is 18.

Her situation made me wonder about the damage of being a male, knowing your father's DNA is in YOU, during puberty. It could really screw a person up. On the other hand, it might save the pestering of wanting to meet the father, if the child even believes you.

What would YOU do??????"

Wow, this is a really good question. By assault, I take it you mean rape?
Hmm... For myself, I think I would eventually tell the child. 'Cause, if you told the kid his dad was a sperm donor or a one-night-stand... And then the man turned up... The kid would think he was a good guy and want to meet him. Similarly, if you told the child his dad was dead and then the dad came back, the child migh lose trust in the mum.

So, I'd probably not go into a lot of detail about it. Noone wants to think of their parents having sex, and the thought of your mother being raped, and then you being the product... I think that would be pretty heart-breaking. The age would depend on the maturity of the child, but I'd wait 'till the child was old enough to understand all the facts, and make their own decisions about them.

Yes, she was raped by 2 guys who were drunk wjem she was outside one night, one man (age 30) being the "father", with her giving birth at 13. She looks super young and no one in college had any idea she was her age and she told no one about having a child so old.

She got a conviction against the other guy, but not the "father" (the leader of the cult). The whole thing is really twisted. But I think if I was a boy and found out my Dad was a rapist, I'd be afraid I had it in me to be one too (DNA wise). That would make me super scared to get close to any girls. Also, I'd worry if my mom saw her attacker in me, as I got older, and hated me for it.

In my friend's care, he does look just like the attacker. My friend is short, blue eyed, bolnde, and a perfect 10. Her son is dark dark brown haired, tall, with brown eyes and gorgeous, but with no common traits with her at all!

I ask because I TRULY have no clue as to what I'd do! And because I' really want to know what others think they would do.

Also, unfortunately, my poll question may come up somenday for a friend of somone in this group, who may ask for advice! :sad:

I wouldn't tell about rape. I would tell about the dad though and make up something to make my son believe that man is a bad bad guy. Ok, this is called lying but still. I wouldn't be capable of telling about it no matter what.

I'm kinda person who doesn't believe that if your dad raped your mother and you (boy) would do the same to someone. It doesn't depend on DNA so much. Though I have heard about some tests that prove the effect of DNA when it come sto crimes, raping and such and they have found out that males with extra x chromosome (isn't x the one that women have? Anyways, it was about feminine guys, if y is the one that women have then it's gotta be y ah to he** with it.) Anyway, these people have high risk to become really bad. I kinda believe in that research. But I strongly believe in the education and growing environment too.

If I were a boy and heard that my dad raped my mom I'd rather feel bad that she has to see my face every day and pay for my expenses, I'd feel guilty instead of my dad and think that my mom actually hates me. Thats' why I'd never tell my son (if I had one) that I have been raped by his dad because I'd still love my son no matter what and want him to be happy.

Anyway, I have heard only bad things about cults. Things just like these rapes and stuff. I strongly believe that cults are just brainwash, people above you want to use you in some way and so they make this cult and force you do things. So if you people know anyone in a cult try to talk that person out of it. Everyone has the right to live their life like they want but in a cult you will live your life like someoen else wants you to.

Really insightful! Thanks to both of you for your thoughts! If I was the son, I think I really wouldn't want to know the truth. But that's just me.

What a thought-provoking question~ o:

I voted for telling him the truth right away when he asked. I would ask him if he wanted to know the truth and tell him that it might hurt him. If he's persistent, then I'd tell him. If not, then I'd tell him when he was older and done growing.

At ages 3 or 4, he most-likely wouldn't understand what I would tell him anyway. I don't feel like I should avoid telling him things like that because it would seem as if I don't trust him, my own son. It doesn't matter who the father is as long as he's happy anyway. I would have aborted him if I didn't want him, yes?

I would tell him not to feel guilty because it's not his fault and that I don't blame him. I'd also tell him not to feel like rapist DNA is in him because I don't even think it works that way. You're just not born a rapist.

But that rapist's DNA is in him. That's raw fact. And like I mentioned before they have made some tests that people who rape have similiar DNA. And it appears that it doesn't even depend on education or anything. It works like *naps* Of course that's up to you and me if believe or not but that article had so good explanations that I have to kinda believe in it. Ok, it doesn't mean he will rape anyone, he might be a nice guy. But his fathers blood still runs in his veins and saying that he is not like his father at all is wrong. But now I'm quibbling about nothing.

No matter what you say he will still think his own way. I think that you should tell the truth only when you can see from your son that it won't be too big of a blow to him. As if he would just accept it as it is and be like "ok, I don't care" once you tell him "your dad raped me" he will start thinking and nothing's gonna stop that thiking. No matter how much you say "I still love you" he will think differently. now you should think how he thinks not how you think. To you it might be celar like a clear sky on a sunny day but to him it might be the biggest pain and burden in his whole life.

If it was me, no matter how much my mom tried to say that it's ok, I'd still think I bring her pain just by being wth her and eventually I'd move away, far away from her. No matter what I still would look like my dad even a bit.

Then there is this other thing. In American TV they say "I was raped when I was 13 years old but I didn't abort that baby and now I'm living happily" that's bullshit!!! Next question is "how much did they pay you for saying that?!?!?!!!" As if she didn't need to go trough hellish pain everyday before that "being happy".

Rape is not something you forget in one day or in many years. I know that it's hard to forget sexual abuse even without sex like touching and stuff. Beleive me, even after many years it's gonna haunt you in your dreams or then suddenly come up to your mind and you will never be able to fully forget. And it will have certain effect on you, it's a psychological thing. And every time someone starts talking about sexual harrasment you will start thinking "I don't need to speak up, do I? I really don't wanna. I don't need right?" until you are panicking and getting asthma attack even though you don't have asthma. But suddenly breathing is so damn difficult. And you will never be able to stand any tasteless joke about rape or sexual harrasment. And no matter how much you will try to accept it will still haunt you and boundless rage will live in your heart forever.

So I cannot even imagine how hellish it may be to live with someone who looks like man who raped you. I dunno, maybe it will be a lie to tell him "It's ok. I still love you more than anything" I know it's not the son's fault at all. But this is the truth about human nature, this is how world is. No one is able to be Jesus, it's damn difficult and might make you go crazy. If we need to blame anyone then we should blame those bas*ards Adam and Eva who disobeyed God!!! If not them we'd still be living in a paradise and be happy go lucky every day. If they ever excisted, that is. :lol:

And the last thing I wanna say that lies are NOT bad always. People seem to have this "I'm so rigtheous" attitude, we all, that is. Everyone believes that the truth is always TEH BEST! Well IT IS NOT!! Sometimes we have to lie to protect teh ones we loev from pain and I have witnessed such moemnts. Of course we also might just not tell about it and that's it. No need to lie at least. But in reality, if ya wanna protect someone, you sometimes hafta lie.

even if you are scared to inherit the DNA of your father being rapist, i believe, you and your father is still different from one another, if you are aware of that fact and scared you might do the same mistake of your father, i think you would not do it consciously unless you have a big urge to do so, so if you're drunk be sure not to go outside though...joke! but, all i can say is, be true to yourself and you should trust yourself, don't let your fear captivate you.... :grin:

as to what i voted, i voted that, i will tell the child as soon as he ask about his dad... even if that FATHER did something to me, i would not make him bad but simply saying what really happened. making the guy bad is a big burden so i guess i will let the karma and conviction of GOD to that matter. :lol:

its natural to want to know where father is just tell around 10-12 however its mainly about the maturity of the kid and the understanding of the situation (like the gilick test in law almost) where they can understand abit its the truth, world isn't perfect..
say something nice then get on with happy life

I would tell him bit by bit... Although I don't think I would be able to have the baby at all, I mean, the first thing you feel after being raped is like you're dirty, after the trauma and all the healing process and on top of it all a BABY.... I'm not that brave or strong.
But still, there are ways of saying the truth without actually saying the truth, it would be better to wait until the child is mature enough to understand.

Now that, I didn't know. XD It does seem a bit out of the blue but I'm no scientist so maybe it's true. o:

I don't really think it's good to emotionally shelter him like that. I mean, I think it's good to think of his feelings, but the truth is the truth. His dad is a rapist. He'll have to eventually accept it anyway. Waiting for the time when he is ready doesn't seem realistic to me because it's hard to define ready. Is it when he's not going through any other problems? But that's impossible because there's always gonna be problems. And let's just say that it WAS possible, then I wouldn't want to ruin the mood when he's having fun. And also because he's gonna see all these other kids with dads and he's gonna wonder, where's his?

How he thinks is how he thinks. I can't stop him from thinking a certain way. I can only try. And my way of trying is telling him that I don't blame him and stuff like that. How he takes that in is completely up to him.

But I'll say it like it is when he asks for answers whether he likes it or not. Because it's not like you can always do things you like and be with people you like whenever you want to or whenever you feel like it. He can't tweak the truth just because he doesn't like it. There are gonna be times when you have to accept things that are hard to accept right at a crucial moment in your life when everything you do will affect you later on or when it seems like the whole world is against you. I want him to be ready for things like that.

And yes, to protect someone, you might have to lie. But I think it's better to prepare them to protect themselves than have me protect them because I know I'm only human and I can't be there for him every single minute of every single day. I don't want him to be lost when I'm not there. But to each her own. =)

I couldn't be more glad I asked this question/poll! You are so smart, insightful, and have given me so much to think about.

As for the candid and REAL comments about sexual harrassment, rape jokes, etc. by maakopla, I was amazed to see unvarnished thruth! I ALWAYS speak up, now that I'm older, and say,"I find that inappropriate," mostly so I don't have to endure it again. I also do that when I hear gay-bashing or racist jokes.

My sister got so mad at me for stopping her tirade of sexual harrassment jokes that she ran out of the house on Christmas, with my mom yelling at ME for spoiling the holiday! Ahhh! I still think I did the right thing and don't care if people dislike me for it. Some even say later they really respect me for it!

Why would you tell him at all? he doesnt need to know that, so spare him his own afflictions with how or where he or she came from whether they were intended or not, they dont need to know it, u should be considerate about how they might feel and how they will take it, so dont bother telling him and hush up about it :P

I also get really mad at people who joke about something like that, well like you said it doesn't make me really well-liked... whatever.

I voted for telling him it was a one-night stand... and maybe adding something to make him think his father was a bad guy... in the end, fortunately or unfortunately, it's still the child's choice if he wants to make a picture of his father himself aka if he wants to meet him anyway... on the other hand that makes a mature human too, someone who doesn't take everything head-on. It would really suck then if he believed the other guy though...but I could never tell a child that he was "unwanted", which that practically is about. I agree with everyone who said that the child will start to think things like "mother must hate me, I'm sure I wasn't even loved at my birth", and personally, I couldn't bear that.

But I also agree with people who say "and when he somehow finds out by himself? he has the right to know." I think it would be preferable that he doesn't find it out from his own mother though... except you want to destroy a mother-son relationship of course. Not sure but somehow I feel that it would be easier to explain after it has already been found out than to tell him yourself and get things like "you lie!".

I would refuse to talk about him. period. i'd only let the kid know that he was a bad person that did horrible things and leave it at that. maaaybe on my deathbed id reveal the truth
saying things like it was a one night stand or that you dont know just makes you sound slutty and i would think your child would have less respect for you, and saying he died makes your kid idealize him and wish he could have met the evil butthead. same with donor, or again with the one night stand. it would just make your kid wish he could have met him if he doesnt know that theres a reason he should be staying away.