I watched an old exploitation movie last night. Let's see if you can guess it.

Two guys and a hot girl plotting a kidnapping: check.
Victim is a sweet innocent schoolgirl from a rich family: check.
Plan to ransom her for million dollar payoff goes awry: check.
Three different interludes of Hot Lesbian Action: SURPRISE!


Yes, I could hardly believe it myself. What I picked up on blind impulse because of a groovy title and a Cannon Films pedigree turned out to be a full-on ripoff of THE CANDY SNATCHERS! And it rocked. Mind you, for all the wrong reasons: the acting is terrible, the dialogue clanks, the lead actress looks about as much a teenager as Angelyne does, the music is the kind of cheese not even Wallace & Gromit could stomach, the plot is beyond contrived...and as it galls me to admit to this base and vulgar aspect of my libido, the lesbian love scenes are the best parts of the movie!

LITTLE GIRL...BIG TEASE is from 1977, and was written and directed by a guy whose only other credit is a 2002 documentary on autism. I would be willing to entertain the notion that the story theft was unintentional - after all, it was the era of Patty Hearst - if it weren't for the fact that the original shooting title was SNATCHED. That, along with the structural similarities, are just too close for comfort. However, this film takes a substantial detour from THE CANDY SNATCHERS in its one significant plot twist: bratty Virginia, the kidnap victim (Virginia, get it!), seems to be increasingly enjoying her circumstance. While she does have her maidenhood stolen by one of the brutish men, she later takes on the infuriating-to-ludicrous mindset that she brought it on herself, and ultimately kinda dug it. Not that she'll go back for more from that lummox: she's now zeroing in on the woman of the gang, who apparently was her home ec teacher before turning to crime. And so, Virginia eventually gets to two-backed beasting with everyone in the luxurious house they hide out in, until by the time the film reaches it's (no, Marc, please, don't go for that pun) climax (dammit, I asked you not to!), she's begging the kidnappers to take her with them! This is the kind of rape fantasy bull**** that would drawing massive protests if one, anyone knew this movie existed, which they don't, and two, if it weren't so laughably executed.

This is pre-Golan/Globus Cannon fodder, back when the company was located on the East Coast and did quick sexploitation (GAS PUMP GIRLS, THE HAPPY HOOKER), horror (SAVAGE WEEKEND, NEW YEARS' EVIL) and the occasional arsty outing (JOE, WHO KILLED MARY WHAT'S 'ER NAME). Most of the film takes place entirely in the kidnap house, signaling that this was likely a family and friends affair. And there are enough moans, groans, and quick edits to suggest despite its R rating this may have been intended as a quasi-porn film. The actress playing the rogue teacher, Rebecca Brooke, appeared in both soft and hardcore films, including Radley Metzger's THE IMAGE, sometimes under the name Mary Mendum or Veronica Parrish. No one else in the cast appears to have had any career outside of this film. Beyond them, however, it does boast João Fernandes as cinematographer, who would go on to shoot many Chuck Norris outings, and Robert F. Colesberry as associate producer, who until his death worked on many N.Y.-based film and TV projects, and even acted on HBO's "THE WIRE".

The old Paragon tape is quite rare, at least it hasn't popped up on eBay recently, and there isn't much in the way of reviews available on it. Anyone out there who can add some more information on this lost outing?

I've always been curious about this movie ever since a snippet of it appeared in Bonnie Klein's antiporn documentary NOT A LOVE STORY. In keeping with the shameless intellectual dishonesty that underpins much of Klein's time-capsule bit of 80s wackiness, it is not surprising that the movie is not porn at all, but an R-rated general release film.

Maybe Don May can rescue it from obscurity for all of us to examine. Whaddya say, Don?