The Quote Game

[pikapix58]

This is something from this past Saturday's ep of SNL. I actually wanted to post the actual clip of it as a VOM, but NBC all ready had YouTube take the video down. Either way, please enjoy the funniest thing I've seen on SNL since a birth control pill commercial sketch that was apart of the episode Tina Fey hosted back in February.

Announcer: And now a nonpartisan message from Govenor Sarah Palin, and Senator Hillary Clinton.
Palin: Good evening my fellow Americans, I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.
Clinton: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.
Palin: Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain's running mate.
Clinton: And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama. [touches button on left label] As evidenced by this button.
Palin: But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.
Clinton: An issue, which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.
Palin: You know, Hillary and I don't agree on every-
Clinton: Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
Palin: And I can see Russia from my house.
Clinton: I believe global warming is caused by man.
Palin: And I believe it's just God huggin' us closer.
Clinton: I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
Palin: And I don't know what that is.
Clinton: But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.
Palin: So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.
Clinton: And stop saying I have "cankles".
Palin: Don't refer to me as a "MILF".
Clinton: And don't refer to me as a "FLIRJ". I Googled what it stands for, and I do not care for it.
Palin: Reporters and commentators stop using words that diminish us, like "pretty", "attractive", "beautiful"...
Clinton: "Harpy", "shrew", "boner shrinker".
Palin: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are very tough ladies. You know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska.
Clinton: Oh boy.
Palin: What's the difference...
Clinton: Lipstick.
Palin:...between a hockey mom...
Clinton: Lipstick.
Palin:...and a pit bull?
Clinton: Lipstick.
Palin: Lipstick.
Clinton: There you go.
Palin: Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton who came so close to the White House, and me Sarah Palin who is even closer. Can you believe it Hillary?
Clinton: [shakes head a little] I cannot.
Palin: It's truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House.
Clinton: Noooo...mine. Supposed to be mine. I'm sorry I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be president, I wanted to be president, and I just happen to be a woman. And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House.
[Palin starts to wave to the crowd and pose like a beauty queen]
Clinton: I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sleigh, wearing you pageant sash, and your Tina Fey glasses!
Palin: What an amazing time we live in, to think that just two years ago I was just a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be president-
Clinton: Anyone. Anyone. Anyone.
Palin: All you have to do is want it.
Clinton: [insane laughs] Yeah, you know, Sarah looking back if I could change one thing, I probably should've wanted it more. [more insane laughing, and rips part of the podium off]
Palin: So, in the next six weeks I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.
Clinton: Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials. Please, ask this one about dinosaurs. In conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't I will lend you mine.
Palin: And as we say in Alaska-
Clinton: We say it everywhere.
Palin and Clinton: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

[pikapix58]

From an episode (Wednesday night's) of South Park;

*after Wendy was called into the principal's office*

Principal Victoria: Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman.
Wendy: No ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
Principal Victoria: Oh no? Are you sure?
Wendy: Yes ma'am.
Principal Victoria: I see. (gets up from desk) I noticed all the things you've done for Breast Cancer Awareness month. Did you know that I'm a breast cancer survivor?
Wendy: Ma'am?
Principal Victoria: I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be...destroyed. When there is a cancer, you have to fight it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you.
Wendy: My parents said that if I fight-
Principal Victoria: And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you. You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will take everything. Do you understand?
Wendy: Yes ma'am.

----------------------------
*after getting his ass handed to him by Wendy in a fight*

Cartman (crying): You don't have to say anything. I know how it is. I'm no longer the cool kid. Now you all think I'm a fag. My school life is over, 'cause all the guys don't think I'm cool.
Stan: Dude, we never thought you were cool.
Cartman: That's not true. You're just saying that.
Kyle: No really, we've always thought you suck.
Jimmy: Yeah, nothing's changed. Our opinion of you couldn't possibly go any lower.
Cartman: You all just saying that to make me feel better?
Craig: No, it's true. We've always hated you.
Butters: Yeah.
Cartman: Don't try to make me feel better you guys...Wait, wait a minute. Why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless, unless you do think I'm cool.
Craig: What?
Cartman: If you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me. Oh, oh few. Oh here I've been so worried about what you guys were going to think of me getting beat up by a girl. And it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what. Oh, oh god, what a relief!

[pikapix58]

From Futurama: Bender's Game;

*while "cleaning" Nibbler's litter box after playing too much D&D*

Bender: Foolish leprechaun, I scoop your treasure in the name of the Fancy Men!
Hermes (off screen): He also left a small pile of treasure on the living room rug!

[pikapix58]

Here are a couple of things from an episode of Beast Wars that I found while perusing the Transformers Wiki:

*on Inferno's intelligence*

Waspinator: Ant-Bot not find own thorax with both hands and a road map.

----------

*while finally standing up for himself*

Waspinator: I said no! Dragon-Bot command you, Sub-Commander Kiss-Butt! Dragon-Bot not command Waspinator! Not any more! Waspinator sick of being evil. Sick of being Predacon! And, Waspinator especially sick of getting blown to scrap all the time! Sooo, Waspinator quit! As of now, which means Ant-Bot and Two-Head can just pucker their mandibles and plant big, wet, juicy one right here on Waspinator's big...fat...stripy...a... (gets blown to scrap by Inferno and Quickstrike)

[pikapix58]

From an episode of How I Met Your Mother;

*while watching the lottery drawing on TV*

Barney: Lottery girl's on.
Robin: I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.
Barney: Check it out, I made a little game.
Lottery Girl: And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19,
Barney: Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 53,
Barney: Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 22,
Barney: Age you claim you are.
Lotto Girl: 31,
Barney: Age you actually are.
Lotto Girl: 45,
Barney: Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.
Lotto Girl: And tonight's Super Big Ball is...
Barney: What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up!

[pikapix58]

From The Muppet Movie;

Statler: I'm Statler.
Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
Statler: Private screening?
Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

[Crystal Ranger]

A couple of quotes from the "Jericho" season 1 finale.

Stanley (talking to his parents’ graves): "Remember I told you about that witch from the IRS, the one that wanted to take everything you’ve ever worked for? Mom, Dad, this is Mimi."
Mimi (talking to Stanley’s parents’ graves): "I really love your son. And, of course, Bonnie is just wonderful and I’ve really enjoyed living with them…"
Stanley (under his breath): "Great."
Mimi: "What?"
Stanley: "I didn’t say we were living together. We’re not married!"
Mimi: "Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I… "
(Bonnie starts laughing)
-----
Stanley: "I’m gonna ask Mimi to marry me."
Jake: "Yeah?"
Stanley: "Yeah. She can’t cook, she’s never seen nine innings of baseball in her life, she hates my clothes, but I love her, and I’m happy."

[pikapix58]

This is something from George Carlin's HBO special Complaints and Grievances that I was reminded of after seeing that RPM promo;

Carlin: And I'm getting really sick of guys named "Todd". You know, yeah, it's just a goofy fucking name, okay? Hi, what's your name? Todd. I'm Todd, and this is Blake, and Blair, and Blane and Brent. Where are all these goofy fucking boys' names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn, these are not real names! You want to hear a real name? Eddie. Eddie is a real name. Whatever happened to Eddie? Here was here a minute ago. Joey and Jackie and Johnny and Phil. Bobby and Tommy and Danny and Bill, what happened? Todd! And Cody, and Dillon and Cameron, and Tucker. Hi Tucker, I'm Todd! Hi Todd, I'm Tucker! Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks. And fuck Tucker's friend Kyle. You know, yeah, there's another soft name for a boy, Kyle. Soft names make soft people. I'll bet you anything that ten times out of ten Nicky Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker!

Note: unfortunately the above blurb in no way really captures Carlin's actual performance, so click here to watch it.

[pikapix58]

From this Wednesday's ep of South Park (which I saw a clip of here) ;

*Butters rushes into the cafeteria*

Butters: You guys, you guys, I think we have a big problem.
Stan: What?
Butters: Well, apparently Kenny, has a girlfriend.
Kyle: Yeah, we know.
Butters: You know?
Stan: Yeah dude, Tammy Warner, she's a fifth grader.
Butters: Does Kenny like her?
Kyle: I guess so. She's like his first real girlfriend ever.
Butters: Oh no. Oh jeez.
Cartman: Butters what's the problem?
Butters: I just talked to Brad Dixon. Tammy Warner is bad news. All the fifth graders call her a slut. On account that she gave this kid named Darsky a BJ in the parking lot at T.G.I. Fridays.
Kyle: What?

[pikapix58]

From an episode of The Simpsons;

Homer: To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems!

Happy St. Paddy's Day.