In Need Of Skilled Lawyer

As it WERE...I happen to have come across something infinitely valuable to me. Oooh, I'm...I'm so happy I could burst my buttons!

I finally found da last page of da WILL my parent's left me! The page upon which they officially named who would take over ALL of their assets and businesses upon their death. And the recipient?

C'est MOI! Ich bin über meinen kühnsten Träumen reich! (It's me! I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!)

My parents didn't just have stocks that went up or down. They invested shares in companies all over my home planet. I have a stake in every single major business. Furthermore, they practically OWNED the government there. With DEM gone, it's been nothing but petty struggles for power...

Aber jetzt kann ich übernehmen das Familienunternehmen. Maintenant, je vais régner sur une planète entière! (But now I'm ready to take on the family business. Now I'll reign over an entire planet!)

But I need somebody skilled in law to help me collect it all...I need to prove that I'm eligible for acquiring all of this. I need somebody who knows all the loopholes of the Galactic Legal System. Somebody who can help me gain control as legally as possible.

Ironic that I, a former criminal, wanna settle for gaining power legally, but my mama and papa did LEAVE me the reigns of power. I'm QUITE happy with the implications.

You're lucky I happen to be very good at using the loopholes of the legal system to get away with ALL sorts of things. I'd be HAPPY to assist you in taking control over Planet Jennet. We'll make your dead parent's JAWS drop when they see how much money you'll be rakin' in.

You and me...we're gonna go FAR, Rupe. Reaaaal far.

What has the Universe DONE?

Ah well. This might be good for Dr. Hamsterviel. He'll be like a bull dog...he won't be able to burst out of his chain and he'll be stuck in his own backyard, unable to bite or scratch anybody unless somebody lets him loose. Which they won't.

You should know that they'll first do a DNA test on you, no doubt. Say that you're an abandoned child. They'll buy that. Technically "Dr. Rupert Jacques von Hamsterviel" is supposed to be in Nick's custody...AND an adult. Change your name and maybe your appearance a bit and you'll be able to get away with it.

...just don't do anything illegal.

I'm just glad you were teleported AWAY, and not...DEAD.

I'm so glad you're alive. So you're going to rule over Jennet now? Wow. That's big.

Yep! They explained it all in the final part of the will.

Here, I'll read it out to you.

"And so, we decided that we were simply tired. Tired of being belittled, degraded and insulted all of the time. We began to scheme. We plotted. We devised a plan unlike ANY we had ever, ever done before. We worked together. We called in favors across the galaxy. We went beyond "Rogue's Gallery" and into a HORDE of Hamsterviels. And thus, by the middle of August we put the last pieces into play. There was naught a single corporation we did not control, not a single piece of industry upon the planet that we did not have a stake in. Our power stretches out across the galaxy in more ways than you can comprehend...there are far more of us than they suspect and we have eyes and ears everywhere...

And many...many backup plans.

Above all, we want you to understand, all of our children, ESPECIALLY you, Rupert...that out intentions have not ever truly been to turn you into a "supervillain". Such labels are beneath us. You simply do not have the TIME to rape, kill and mutilate everybody who has ever done you wrong. Our goal is not to turn you into the biggest sociopath that ever existed. You ought to simply do whatever you want with your life. WHATEVER. One day, it might be watching a sunrise with violin music playing in the background by a private orchestra you owe. Another it may be rubbing out a most annoying "insect". The whole point of our parenthood, indeed, we believe of ALL parents, is to insert the freedom of CHOICE.

A Hamsterviel does whatever a Hamsterviel wants. No matter WHAT. And we hope all of our children carry on that legacy, regardless of the consequences. Having said that, we now move to naming who is first in line to ascend to the "throne" we created, and the list therafter explaining who shall take his place should he he be unable to take hold of our fortune.

We hereby leave our entire fortune, ownings and responsibilities in the hands of Rupert, our son. Following his inability to perform the neccessary duties, we thereby give the privilege of ownership of aforementioned items to-"

And then it lists a bunch of other names. Not just my brother's but apparently...well, apparently my parents got around a LOT. Ah, but they were my parents. I cannot fault them for being rather attractive by our race's standards. Unlike my grandfather. How HE ever reproduced I shall never know. He was an ugly, ugly man.

Congratulations, Hamsterveil, I am hoping you do well with this.

I plan to. And I'd actually like to thank you, Jumba. You've been more of a help to me than you realize. I wish there was something I could give back to you.

Eh, is fine. I am happy, for the most part, and the one thing I lack is something no one else can get for me.

A girlfriend? Religion? Closure with your ex-wife?

...You know, I was not expecting you to start throwing out guesses there.

Chin up. There's somebody out there for everyone!

They must be busy, eh? *wry grin*

Well, if dating fails, you could either order a mail-order bride.